SATIRE — After an entire year of quarantine, the coronavirus pandemic isn’t the only thing that’s raging. Gamers, finally armed with a good excuse to do so, have been spending their time the only way they know how: alone.
Recent studies show that 87% of teenage boys have been spending most of their time locked in their bedrooms. For men, the number sits at 63%.
“These statistics can’t be right,” a parent of a gamer Fretty Carer said. “In fact, they sound completely made up.”
Yet another statistic that sounds made up is the rise in Google searches for “Gaming Addiction,” which has increased by 207% in the past year alone, a clear indication of worry from concerned parents and girlfriends across the country.
Gaming addiction is defined as an overuse of video games, especially when it causes problems in other parts of your life.
“I’m starting to believe he forgot how to speak English because he never talks to anyone outside of his games,” said Carer tearfully. “When I brought his soda to him yesterday, he called me ‘poggers.’”
Despite the increasing levels of concern from some families, others are finding that the benefits far outweigh the cons. According to many sources, gaming has medical benefits such as increased awareness of your surroundings, the ability to make snap decisions and the ability to call someone a slur without feeling any level of guilt.
For every family that speaks out about the dangers of having a gamer for a son, another rises to the challenge and speaks out about the benefits.
“Before Connor started playing Call of Duty, we argued all the time,” said Joy Wellspring, another gamer parent. “Now I never have to talk to him. My life hasn’t known peace like this since before he hit puberty.”
Many women have also taken up a newfound interest in video games in the past year for a completely different reason. Donning a pink wig and a high-pitched voice, they act as healers in various games for the subjects of this article, carrying them to victory in exchange for both in-game and real-world currency.
“I just have to do all of the work in the game and tell him that he’s the reason we won and I get paid better than I do at my retail job,” said Kat Uwunyan. “Plus, listening to his awful pick-up lines is better than dealing with a Karen.”
Many parents are aware of their sons’ financial decisions, and most of them have made peace with it.
“I know he spends his allowance on being catfished, but honestly, I’m okay with it,” said Wellspring. “We love supporting small businesses in the house, and it’s way cheaper than the college education he turned down.”
Wellspring also cited a WebMD article in her argument in favor of having a gamer son.
“Look, this right here says that it’s healthy to have a pet. That’s basically what Connor is now. I bring his meals to his room, he doesn’t respond if I speak to him and I only have to bathe him every two weeks.”