SATIRE–The University of Louisiana at Lafayette sent out a mass email outlining its plans for an impending demon invasion, following a recent growth in on-campus sacrificial activity.
The email went out to students today that outlined what they need to prepare for the invasion, which is projected to begin tomorrow, Oct. 22, and continue for three days and three nights. The university has yet to clarify on whether classes will continue throughout the invasion.
“The university is currently monitoring Satan’s forces as they approach campus and will offer a more detailed plan regarding classes in the near future,” the email read.
In the meantime, the university is asking campus residents to paint lamb’s blood on the doors of their dorm rooms in preparation for the invasion. They are also asking students to stock up on holy water and purchase a crucifix if they do not already own one. However, budget restrictions prevent the university from actually supplying any of these things.
“If you encounter demonic forces on your way to classes, hold up your crucifix and recite scripture in Latin, there will be Bibles placed outside every door at the Student Union,” the email read. “Small, impish demons will likely disperse in response, but larger, more ornery demons may continue to pursue you. Try to avoid their fangs and pitchforks. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
The university also reminded students that, be they possessed or not, there are still social distancing measures in place, and they still need to wear a mask and maintain six feet apart.
“Some warning signs of demonic possession include full 360-degree head rotations, projectile vomiting, green skin and the uncontrollable urge to consume human flesh,” the email read.
The university is also encouraging students to bring an umbrella and rain boots to campus, as there is a 99% chance of blood rain during the invasion in the event classes aren’t cancelled.
Elle Raiser, a hospitality management major, said she organized several sacrificial ceremonies in hopes that Satan would provide a cheaper parking alternative for commuter students.
“I just wanted a parking space that didn’t cost $300,” Raiser said. “The way I see it, UL had it coming.”
Coincidentally, university administrators sacrificed a different liberal arts student everyday for a month with the aim that demonic forces would help the university remain accredited.
“We’re one class cancelation away from becoming the next ITT Technical Institute,” UL Lafayette Vice President of Occult Affairs Bernard Enhel said. “We’ll sacrifice a million liberal arts students if it keeps our nursing program afloat.”
Belle Leaver, an English professor, said the university has sacrificed 15 students from her classes alone.
“First they put my classes in the most depressing, foul-smelling and overall dilapidated building on campus and now they use my students for human sacrifices,” Leaver said.
Shortly after her interview, the university conducted five more sacrifices on the fifth floor of H.L. Griffin, in hopes that the demons will be too tired to torment the rest of campus after climbing the stairs. Classes will still be held in Griffin until further notice.
“If we think you’ll make less than $60,000 a year when you graduate you might be on the chopping block,” Enhel said. “Thanks for understanding and Geaux Cajuns!”