SATIRE — In an effort to reduce spending, the University of Louisiana at Lafayette’s dining hall has implemented a program to decrease preparation and cooking times for all foods served to students. 

As the COVID-19 pandemic drags on, the financial strain the university faces does as well. UL Lafayette’s dining hall has resorted to saving electricity costs by keeping their ovens low. So low, in fact, that students’ meals have grown progressively more lively.

According to the head of food services at the university, Allison Credeur, the university would be saving a hefty $38.23 this semester by implementing this new procedure.

“Last week, I just noticed my catfish was juicier than usual,” Leslie Picard, a UL Lafayette freshman said. “But last night, it looked up at me from my plate and started singing ‘Margaritaville.’”

While some students are alarmed by this questionable and possibly dangerous practice, the business department has praised it for its cost-efficiency.

 “Gen-Z has become so sensitive about what they put in their bodies,” Mike Whittington, sixth-year business major and president of Beta Rho Omicron (BRO) said. “We force all incoming freshmen to eat the stray cats on campus. That’s off the record, right?”

The university has taken advantage of the student’s endurance of the uncooked meals, and students have started reporting instances of being served live chickens. 

Not all of the feedback has been negative, however. In fact, many students have embraced the new cuisine.

“At least I know where the food is coming from,” political science major, Emily Brasseaux said. “This is the first time I’ve eaten meat in three years. If I knew this is what meat is supposed to taste like, I would have never stopped.”

The newfound love for unprepared meat has expanded into an obsession amongst students. Meal swipe cards have maxed out, the freshman 15 is now the freshman 30, and the cafeteria has run out of product.

Due to the unexpectedly positive reception and students’ palate expansion, alternative methods of food sourcing have been taken. 

This week, the university reported that at least one of the campus’ resident alligators has disappeared. While some students suspected that this was another case of the animal taking a trip to the library, a handful of students reported seeing members of the UL Ragin’ Cajuns football team lugging the alligator down East St. Mary.

In another case, security cameras captured footage of Whittington dragging an oversized gym bag stuffed with feathers as he walked from Girard Park.

 There have been three separate accounts of cannibalistic activities on the UL Lafayette campus. At 6 p.m. Thursday night, a Resident Advisor at Bonin Hall called the ULPD to report a dismembered toe in the microwave.

“I don’t know who would be stupid enough to leave their food free for the taking while there are other flesh-craving students roaming these parts,” a campus police officer said.

This is currently under investigation even though security cameras are present in each residential building.

Saturday morning, the BRO fraternity placed a sign on their house’s lawn, announcing an intramural volleyball tournament. At the bottom of the banner, written in what appeared to be red dripping paint, read “Eat the Weak.”

UL Lafayette’s administration has refused to comment.

Load comments