SATIRE — Evidence suggests that engineering majors are the next step in human evolution after a compelling research study last week.

In the study, scientists found that engineering majors possess several key traits that make them objectively superior to everyone else.

“This is a groundbreaking discovery,” Irma Scientist said. “I never thought so much intelligence, so much advancement would be possible.”


Scientist and her team of researchers discovered that engineering majors possess the unique ability simply referred to as “downtalk.” 

When an engineering major is threatened by a predator, they will talk about their accomplishments, along with how much money they’re going to make ad nauseum. This will usually cause the predator to flee. 

In Scientist’s experiment, predators who didn’t have access to an escape route during an engineering major’s downtalk would often cut their ears off or bash their head against a wall until death — making the predator the prey.

Massive brain size

At first glance, one would think engineering majors have a normal-sized brain like everyone else, but in reality, engineering majors are actually clenching their skulls to condense their head size.

“When an engineering major goes out in public without clenching their brains, they are almost always bombarded with questions from less intelligent humans. To remedy this, they clench their skull to make it look like they have a pathetic monkey brain like their non-engineering peers,” Scientist said.

When an engineering major is alone or is only in the company of other engineering majors, they expand their brains to their true size of over 66 inches in diameter. That’s roughly the size of a monster truck tire. 

Their massive craniums are able to communicate telepathically as well as manipulate time and space.

“We had several test subjects who would visit Ancient Rome in their spare time,” Scientist said. “They loved watching the gladiator fights, saying they enjoyed watching those of ‘sub-engineering intelligence’ kill each other.” 

Zero emotions to cloud judgement

While weak-minded humans need emotional connections and relationships, engineering majors have no need for such things. The results are unbelievable.  

“Engineering majors can be productive for 100% of their day,” Scientist said. “They don’t need to take breaks or socialize. It’s astounding.”

According to University of Louisiana at Lafayette Engineering Major Guy McGeek, he often covers himself in expired mayonnaise before he goes out to strengthen his odor.

“It’s just common sense,” McGeek said. “All these foolish humans are wasting their lives with friends and family.” 

Wrapping up

With all this in mind, it’s no wonder Scientist predicts engineering majors will make up 100% of human society in a few short years. 

McGeek believes this change is long overdue.

“It’s time for us engineering majors to take our place in the sun,” he said. “At the end of the day, we’re smarter, more evolved and overall just better than you.”

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