I’m afraid my friend has a compulsive buying problem. It’s no joke and I looked at it carefully before I started to worry. First it was the clothes: lots of labels peeking out from increasingly overflowing wardrobes. Then she started inviting me to give me things that were “bought too quickly” and that she wasn’t “convinced of anymore”, from clothes we moved on to accessories, to cosmetics, to those glossy books full of photos, to experiential boxes. He is always on social media and there is no shortage of bombardments for purchases. When she tried to give me an iPad last week I rejected it and tried to talk to her. I approached it delicately but I had to get to the point: “I think you have a problem, we need to talk to someone about it.” Open up heaven. He hasn’t spoken to me since then and when we meet at university he changes direction. I am worried and sorry, in my opinion, since they separated a few months ago, her parents give her too much money because each of them tries to console her or win her over. And this is the result. I wish I could help you but you don’t seem to want to give me the chance and I’m not sure what I could do anyway? Suggestions?
Bea
Dear Bea, I know, it’s difficult to wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep. Because I think her friend actually realizes she has a problem, which is why she became avoidant when she tried to broach the topic. Having said that, perhaps she should try to talk to her friend’s parent with whom she, Bea, is more familiar. Accumulating things is a compensatory gesture and I fear it is more due to the separation of the parents than to the fact of receiving “too much money” from them. Mum and dad console themselves by giving, her friend consoles herself by accumulating, it seems clear to me. I don’t know how he reacted “officially” to his parents’ divorce but this is certainly the “unofficial” reaction. Her friend inspires me with a tenderness that she doesn’t even imagine and I’m very sorry that she feels so alone and “empty” that she feels the need to fill the abyss with gadgets and clothes. Insist Bea, even just to be close to her. Even at the cost of never dealing with the matter again.
Entrust your well-founded concern to your friend’s mother or father and then simply be there for her. Until she is convinced that the divorce has deprived her of a common home but not of two parents. And he will stop “stuffing” himself with things.