tuition

In an unprecedented move by the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, students will now be required to pay “tuition” in exchange for knowledge.

In an official press release, UL Lafayette’s Director of Predatory Finance Angela Graceffa explained further. “These are uncertain times for universities,” Graceffa said. “People make so much money. Like, they make so much money that UL Lafayette as an institution just isn’t equipped to deal with the fallout.”

The Vermilion’s top-tier investigative reporting done via Google revealed that the word “tuition” comes from the Latin word “tueri,” which means to watch or guard. We at The Vermilion are certain that the resemblance between the university “guarding” our money and the dragon from “The Hobbit” is purely coincidental.

If some students are struggling to pay after spending too much on a new air fryer or converting all of their money into Roblox money (we’ve all been there) the university has a plan. 

As stated on the new UL Lafayette Money Portal website, there are two options available for students who do that thing in movies where they turn their empty pockets inside out. 

Choosing option No. 1 will send students down into the dark, wet cavern where the professors sleep. There, they’ll help the university cooks peel potatoes and prepare our evening gruel with nothing but their fingernails. And don’t worry, the cavern has a ham radio made from fishbones and metal sheeting that will definitely be playing all the latest hits from BTS and Dua Lipa. When asked about this option, Graceffa expressed enthusiasm. 

“This is my favorite option. We absolutely have to stan,” Graceffa said.

If that didn’t sound exciting enough, students will also be able to choose option No. 2. With this choice, you’ll have the opportunity to commune with an ancient statue that local warlocks believe is hidden beneath Judice-Rickles hall but also in a dimension beyond time. 

This statue has all the hot gossip, and if you provide something juicy enough to please its rage, it’ll accept your blood oath and give you infinite money. Needless to say, the university cares about its students and will do anything for them as long as there’s money.

However, it’s important to note that this bold move by the university comes at a time when many aspects of life are already monetized. Things such as eating, having a body or existing in a space all cost a pretty penny these days, and this is just the next step. It’s true that since we all make so much money, this additional cost shouldn’t be that bad. 

Graceffa further expressed the importance of reducing the overall wealth of the student population and their dedication to enacting this policy.

“The university has this ongoing partnership with the state of Louisiana with the goal of making all knowledge as expensive as possible,” Graceffa said. 

“Right now, schools like LSU and Tulane are blowing us out of the water. As Ragin’ Cajuns, we should all strive for something higher. Everything except your savings account, that is.”

With the growing wealth of information and TikToks we can find on the Internet, many students who are dumb and poor are wondering why exactly they even need to attend a university in the first place. 

“Why can’t we, like, learn this stuff in a Twitter thread or something? I’m pretty sure 90% of the beauty vloggers I watch on YouTube didn’t get a four-year degree, and they’re doing just fine. It’s just not realistic,” Patrick Sullivan, a sophomore majoring in digital cringe culture, said. 

In all likelihood, this new strategy the university is attempting will improve campus in ways that students can’t yet imagine. Finally, we’ll have the indoor tar pits and AI-powered electric chairs that we’ve always wanted. Every student in the LGBT+ community will get a pair of ruby slippers. We’ll be able to install LED light strips in the professors’ cavern and buy the ancient statue a pretty sundress. With the students’ money, the university will finally be the paradise we’ve all imagined. 

 

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