SATIRE-It was a Saturday afternoon. Hundreds of friends, family and faculty fawned as a University of Louisiana at Lafayette student greeted them from his private helicopter 300 feet in the air.
He looks like your average internet no-lifer, but this fedora-donned prodigy just won a Nobel Peace Prize.
On-lookers applauded and several members fainted as Alfred N. Celle, a senior engineering major, raised his Cheeto-stained fingers, quelling the mob. His words echoed through the brick enclave:
“All of these weak-minded, emotional people don’t understand that the obvious solution to political division is just to pretend that it doesn’t exist. Everything would be so simple if we all just get along,” N. Celle said. “Some people say we should end racism and others think we should perpetuate it. Can’t you see the obvious solution is to be racist half the time?”
Political Scientists from all over the world believe N. Celle’s, “get along,” strategy will usher in a one-world utopian society in only a few weeks.
“This man understands politics on a level the rest of us can only dream of,” Political Scientist Nash Nylist said.
Five countries in Asia and three countries in Europe have already abandoned their old forms of government in favor of new “N. Cellian” forms of government. These new governments don’t debate political issues, but instead agree to only enact half of every proposal.
“So for example, someone proposed the state enact universal healthcare. To adhere with our N. Cellian ideology, we’ve decided to give universal healthcare to half of our population, chosen at random,” Half-President of the New N. Cellian Republic, Edward Bothsydes said.
The university is constructing a new building in honor of N. Celle. In an effort to communicate that the university has no sides, the building will not have walls. UL Lafayette President of Galaxy-Brained Affairs, Johnathan Mannsplain nominated N. Celle for the award, and he said there wasn’t a doubt in his mind N. Celle would win.
“When I heard this kid said people should simply stop arguing about politics, I immediately knew we had one of the greatest minds in all of human history on our campus,” Mannsplain said. “Truly, no one else could have realized that the solution to our problems was to ignore our differences and just agree to everything, but only half-way.”