SATIRE – On Friday, Oct. 30, as the University Program Council was counting the final ballots to determine 2020’s homecoming court, Crazy Jake of Crazy Jake’s Used Car Lot posted a tweet that shook the University of Louisiana at Lafayette to its core:
“STOP THE COUNT!”
Why? Crazy Jake claims he was rightfully elected to be UL Lafayette’s next Homecoming Queen, but lizard people ate all his ballots.
“I’ll tell you what, somebody’s gotta do something about these lizard people,” Jake said. “They’re coming in and taking all the good jobs, burning down our campus and now they’ve just stolen this election.”
Crazy Jake is not a student at UL Lafayette and likewise was never in the running to be Homecoming Queen. Most are dismissing Crazy Jake’s claims to the crown, but that hasn’t stopped the faithful few from demanding the UPC recount the ballots.
“This election has been compromised,” Tim F. Oilhat, a business administration major and staunch Crazy Jake supporter said. “The liberal lizards who run the university won’t get away with this.”
UPC Administrative Assistant Don Witthis is the only student counting ballots and isn’t eager to recount them.
“This is outrageous. This deranged, irreverent narcissist didn’t earn a single vote,” Witthis said. “Now we’ve got all these lunatics screaming about lizard people outside my office. I hate this job.”
The race for Homecoming Queen remains undecided, as Witthis quit his job after demands that he recount the ballots for a 10th time.
As a result, UL Lafayette is in a state of civil war. Crazy Jake’s army of Homecoming Reformists occupy McKinley, Taft and Rex Streets, while Homecoming Traditionalists occupy the rest of campus.
The university released a statement on the issue, asking students to remain calm despite the violence.
“We ask that students please remain calm and try to avoid stray gunfire on the way to classes,” the email read.
The Homecoming Reformers are rapidly losing ground, but their movement is gaining momentum after an impassioned speech from Crazy Jake outside Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
We asked to speak with Crazy Jake about his movement, but he refused to comment.
“Are you real news or fake news,” Jake said. “I don’t talk to fake news.”
Crazy Jake said he wants to be Homecoming Queen to pass sweeping reforms to radically change life at UL Lafayette, most of which have to do with lizard people on campus.
“If I am given my rightful position as Homecoming Queen. I would build a great wall, and no one builds walls better than me, believe me, and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great wall and I'll have lizard people pay for that wall.”