SATIRE — French should be the one and only language here at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, and because of this, the university is failing its students. 

Speaking English in Louisiana is like speaking Portuguese in China. It is just absurd. There is such a dense Cajun population here that English is just secondary, and teaching a non-dominant language is one of the worst things you can do. Allowing minor cultures a voice, specifically one with such a bland and tasteless history is ridiculous. Just imagine if English were taught all over the world. Ha! It would cause so many beautiful languages to be wiped out by one of the few that has something as ridiculous as a spelling bee. 

Speaking of grammar and spelling, French makes so much more sense. In most cases, the adjective comes after the noun, allowing you to know what’s being spoken about before you get to descriptors. For instance, in English, you can have a smoldering, green, angelic, majestic door, but in French, you would say door green, angelic, smoldering, majestic. Unless the word is something like beautiful — but who cares what noun comes after beautiful? You already know it’s going to be amazing. Spelling, as I mentioned, is also easier. In English, you have to guess the pronunciation. When I say the word “contract,” do I mean the noun “CONtract” or the verb “to conTRACT”? In French, there are accents to help guide you. Like, “mangé” which is the past participle form of “to eat” and is pronounced, “mon-j” with a clear emphasis on the “j” part with the accent. 

Cajun French also has awesome expressions we just cannot articulate using English. For example, “Tête de cabri” has the direct translation of “to have the head of a goat,” meaning someone who is very stubborn. There is also “pain perdu,” which means lost bread in English, but is actually French Toast. And then we have my absolute favorite, “Tooloolou,” which is a fiddler crab. I found all of these on a website titled “Crash Course in Cajun French,” written by Ramona Long, who has a Cajun French mother. 

The university is making life so much harder for students by making them speak English. They have already pretty much accepted that American food is garbage, given how much of it is already labeled “Cajun.” So all they need to do is understand how bland the culture is as well. 

For English speakers, there is no “cajun zydeco” dance or wonderfully rich music like “Allons à Lafayette,” which is an absolute bop from 1928  by Joe & Cléoma Falcon or “La Danse De Mardi Gras” by Steve Riley & The Mamou Playboys. What do English speakers have? “Toxic” by Brittney Spears? Pah! We need better music than that. 

Heck, even the president of the university is French, clearly given how his name is “Savoie.” A lot of the buildings and roads have French names too, like “Mouton” or “Rue Louis XIV.” Someone in Lafayette clearly agrees that we need some sort of language change. 

The only downside I could see with changing to French is that everything is gendered, but it would probably help more people practice proper pronouns. And with that, there is no downside. 

Donc, Laissez les bon temps rouler, et let’s change the language back!

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